In what executives are hailing as “the boldest move since canceling ALF,” ABC has officially retired The View and announced its replacement: The Charlie Kirk Show, hosted by Erika Kirk and Megyn Kelly.
The announcement came in a blunt three-word press release: “It’s done. Finally.”
Goodbye to the Henhouse
For 27 years, The View was daytime TV’s loudest coffee klatch, where panelists argued about everything from politics to pineapple pizza. But after Whoopi Goldberg’s infamous “Angel-gate” remark about the late Charlie Kirk — and her thunderous sighs that reportedly “broke microphones” — ABC’s patience snapped.
“We considered static snow or Judge Judy reruns,” one executive admitted. “But eventually, patriotism (and advertisers) won out.”
The New Era: Daytime, Red, White & Blue
Debuting this week, The Charlie Kirk Show promises “less cackling, more saluting.” The premiere opened with Erika Kirk standing beside a six-foot portrait of her late husband, while Megyn Kelly strode in wearing a red power suit bold enough to trigger fire alarms.
“Charlie dreamed of a show where people could actually finish a sentence,” Erika told the audience. “Today, that dream is real.”
Megyn added, “Think of it as The View — but with better lighting and no screeching.”
The Format: Stars, Stripes & Segments
Each episode follows a highly patriotic schedule, including:
- The Kirk Commandments — Erika reads Charlie’s old tweets like scripture, audience responds with “Amen” or “Build the Wall.”
- Megyn vs. America’s Enemies — Kelly debates prerecorded clips of Democrats, French mayors, or unlucky Starbucks baristas.
- Freedom Kitchen — Patriotic casseroles made with extra Velveeta (and absolutely no kale).
- Red State Renovations — Home makeovers featuring flag-print furniture and the ceremonial burning of Buddha statues.
- Patriot Karaoke — Jason Aldean or Kid Rock belt out anthems as bald-eagle fireworks explode.
Set Design: Constitution Chic
Gone are pastel skylines. In their place: NASCAR footage, Mount Rushmore, and apple pies cooling on windowsills. The hosts sit behind a desk shaped like the U.S. Constitution, while each commercial break ends with a CGI eagle shrieking louder than Joy Behar’s laugh.
The Nation Reacts
Donald Trump cheered: “The View is FINISHED!!! Erika is WONDERFUL. Megyn is TOUGH. Much better than Whoopi & Joy — DISASTER. Big WIN!!!”
Elizabeth Warren tweeted: “This is like replacing a library with a gun range.”
Trevor Noah quipped: “They swapped Whoopi sighing at Meghan McCain for Megyn yelling at a cardboard Biden. Progress?”
The Audience: Pledges & Freebies
The studio crowd, now called The Kirk Crowd, begins each show by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance while waving Chick-fil-A sandwiches.
One fan admitted: “I came for the free flags, but I’m staying for the casseroles.”
The Old Guard Plots Revenge
Meanwhile, the displaced hosts of The View aren’t done. Rumors suggest Whoopi and Joy are launching a podcast called The Screech Continues, where they simply scream into microphones for 45 minutes.
Sunny Hostin is reportedly suing, saying: “I had three more years of interrupting Megyn Kelly left in me.”
Closing Thought
ABC’s gamble marks a surreal new chapter in daytime TV. Gone are the chaotic coffee debates. In their place: patriotic casseroles, eagle pyrotechnics, and Erika Kirk vowing to keep Charlie’s legacy alive.
Or, as ABC’s official tagline puts it:
“No more hens. Just patriotism. It’s done.”
This is satire. None of it is real.
