In the third day of the ninth month of the year 2025, there befell in the city of London a commotion most curious, when the noble hounds of Queen Camilla and the princely dogs of William and Kate did gather at a house of drink and meat made for beasts, and there stirred up mirth and madness alike.
Of a Quiet Outing Turned to Tumult
What was meant as a simple hour of rest within the fair house of hounds became instead the scandal of the season. For lo, Camilla’s terriers and the playful pups of William and his lady Kate entered together, and scarce had they taken place when mischief began to brew.
Of Puppuccinos and Greedy Paws
The beasts strode boldly unto the counter, barking as though heralds demanding tribute. The keepers of the house, astonished and afeared, set forth vessels filled with froth and cream, called by the common folk puppuccinos.
With tongues they lapped greedily, yea, and cried out for more. One sprightly hound leapt upon the counter and smote the bell of service with his paw, as though to summon attendants with royal command. Another, sly as a thief, sought to break into the cupboard of sweetmeats.
Of the Barking Contest
But greater chaos yet was to follow. For the royal beasts, filled with pride and rivalry, did raise their voices in a contest of bark and howl.
Some spake it was like unto a tourney of minstrels, each cry louder and more wondrous than the last. Children nearby, greatly amused, did lift napkins marked with numbers, judging the hounds as though they were knights upon the field.
Of the Cat’s Departure and the People’s Flight
So fierce grew the noise that teacups rattled and the folk of the house fled in haste. The resident cat, called Master Whiskers, took great offence, storming forth with tail aloft, and vanished into the streets. Rumor telleth he hath not returned, but lingers near the royal palace in disdain.
Of Tales Upon the Wind
Word of the tumult spread swifter than arrow-flight, carried by the magic of the people’s glowing tablets. Yea, the realm of TikTok and the kingdom of Instagram rang with the tale, with scrolls marked #RoyalPuppuccino and #BarkinghamPalace passing from hand to hand, until multitudes beheld the sport.
Some cried, “Forget the quarrels of queens and duchesses! The true battle is corgi against terrier!” Others laughed, saying, “Let this be shown upon the stage of Netflix, and we shall gladly pay in coin.”
Of the Palace’s Word
Then spake the keepers of Kensington, issuing a decree: “The Duke and Duchess’s hound made merry with Her Majesty’s pets. No pastries were harmed, and all puppuccinos were paid in full.”
Yet whisperers in the city say the café shall henceforth place upon its gate a sign of warning: “No royals, lest their beasts promise better conduct.”
Of the Meaning of the Day
Sages of beasts declare it a struggle of dominion, reflecting the rivalry of masters in their faithful companions. “Dogs mirror their lords,” quoth the learned Amelia of Lovejoy. “And if the royals contend in spirit, so too shall their hounds.”
Thus ended the day of uproar in the Dog Café, remembered by all who beheld it as both scandal and jest. And many spake with mirth: “I came seeking coffee, yet departed with a place in the hall of history, witness to the merriest royal riot of our time.”
